The Parent Ren XVI: You Owe Me Nothing

A strange thing permeates the culture of my mother’s side of my family tree. As long as I can remember, everyone seemed to keep tabs on what was owed by everyone else. To the cousins, aunts, and uncles who helped me in any way, their help for me was an investment. And they let me know.

One of them contacted me years after I had moved away. Our grandmother was sick, and he sought money to help her care. When I reminded him that she received government benefits for her medical care, he launched into a barrage of expletives about how I was “living like the rich” and “throwing our grandmother away.”

Later, when another family member was getting married, they asked me to “sponsor” an item in the wedding (like the cake, the music, or the drinks). It appeared they could not afford the wedding, so they asked people to sponsor parts of the wedding. When I said I couldn’t sponsor anything, another barrage of accusations were launched.

In both instances, the people who called me repeated the same phrase: “Our family did so much for you. You owe us.”

They seem to have forgotten it was not they who helped me. It was their parents. If anything, these two people who called me did their darnedest to derail me from the path that brought me to where I am. And, even if they helped me, that’s now how helping the people you love counts.

I was listening to a podcast episode by Dan Lebatard. He was talking about the sacrifices his parents made to give him what he has now here in America, not in their native Cuba. Dan’s guest, Katie Nolan, corrected him on this. She said to him that parents do what they do for their children out of love. It’s not about owing anything. “It’s what being a parent is… It’s wanting better for your child and setting them up to succeed and do what they want.” She emphasized this by saying Dan’s father may feel he has succeeded as a parent because of how well Dan is doing.

The discussion happens at 36 minutes into this video.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case with those members of my family. How well I’m doing — doctorate in public health, director of a public health center, teaching at two universities, father to a phenomenal little girl, and husband to a wondrous physician assistant — how well I’m doing is not a cause for feeling that they’ve succeeded. From my interactions with them, it was a zero-sum game for them. They lost because I gained. My successes translate to failures for them.

It’s a sad way to live.

So I’m not keeping tabs on any of my “sacrifices” for my daughter. They’re not sacrifices at all. It’s part of the job, part of the deal. When she rises to the occasion and succeeds, her successes will be evidence of my success as a parent. Those successes won’t be an opportunity for me to “cash in” on any investment.

Similarly, I hope she doesn’t feel like she needs to pay me back for anything I do for her.

Sure, there is such a thing as loyalty, and helping those who’ve helped you. But to carry around some “debts and assets” list in your head must be exhausting. Chasing around people to repay you for something you should have done out of love only reveals you are acting out of greed, not out of any self-professed good nature (or faith). And, as you know, I have no time for religious hypocrites.

Thank you for reading. Please check out more of my thoughts over on my Medium.com blog at: https://medium.com/@epiren

Or listen to my ramblings on the Epidemiological Podcast: https://anchor.fm/rene-najera

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